Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Remembering Patrick

Forget it. I'm not saying "this is my last post" anymore. I am totally chatty tonight.

I just stumbled upon something that sort of kicked me in the stomach and I felt like I couldn't NOT post (if that makes any sense).

It's something very personal that I haven't really spoken much about on here but today seems like the right day and possibily one more step in the healing process.

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In May of this year I lost our little pea, Patrick.

In April we travelled to Spain for Mabel and Paul's wedding and we consider that trip our second honeymoon. Something magical happened and we ended up pregnant. All of our dreams came true when that second line appeared on the test.

The very first place we went and the very first people we told were Denis' late father, Patrick, and his baby sister, Francine. Somehow in the back of my mind I thought it we put in a good word with the angels our baby would be safe.

In the few short weeks I knew I was pregnant I floated through life. I was sick and I was exhausted but I couldn't have been any happier. I was able to tell my family in person, something I honestly didn't think would ever happen.

By far one of my best pregnancy memories was spending an entire afternoon in Motherhood with my wonderful friend Jodi. I think I tried on half the store with that crazy little pillow that you stuff under your shirt. And Jodi tried it on and we laughed like little girls. I remember thinking how perfect it was to be sharing it with her.

Denis and I would write eachother notes and text messages from the baby. We planned what seemed to be our entire future.

And as soon as it came, it was all taken away.

Our hopes and dreams were crushed. We lost our little pea. Unfortunately Denis is no stranger to loss and he was my rock through it all. That had to have been the worst experience of my life and to be honest I never imagined being able to smile or laugh again.

But here we are just a few months later and so much good has come from the pain.

I left a job I was unhappy with and found somewhere I am appreciated. I got my creative mojo going again and have done more pages in the past few months than I think I've done in the past few years. I even got a pretty pink studio where I can escape and create to my heart's content. The experience brought Denis and I closer. Only the two of us could truly understand our pain and we lived through it together.

I think what I am most grateful for is the friendships I've made. The timing was perfect for Steph and I to build a friendship and I was able to laugh and escape my grief with her. She then introduced me to some of her friends and more new friendships were born. The second I met Katie and Rach I felt like I had know them forever and we are so similar at times it's scary.

We had so much support from our family and friends and for that we are forever grateful.\
We have always said that we'd name our first son after D's dad and although he is our angel baby, Patrick seemed like the only name for our little pea.

I love that Patrick was only around for a few weeks and although we never got to meet or even see him, he made such an amazing impact on our lives.

Tonight I'll dream of Patrick and say a special blessing for all of you parents out there who have lost your little peas...


Mellisa said...

Oh Laurie - I know we dont know eachother well but my heart bleeds and aches for you as you share your story. After we lost our daughter 6 years ago this month, someone said something to me that has always stuck:

"When you lose something that you love so much, it creates a hole in your heart. Over the years, that hole will always remain ... but the muscle around it will always get stonger"

My thoughts and my heart are with you and your husband as you remember this time in your life.

Mellisa said...

........ and always remember that you are never alone.

Stay funny said...

I am happy that Patirck was on our path and that our groing friendship helped you durng this time. Happy that Latie and Rach were also brought in your life, you never have enough friends. Switching to french, I know you will understand why... je suis vraiment pas capable d'ecrire en anglais présentement. Je suis vraiment fière de toi, quel beau pas de plus ce soir ma belle. Tu vis des étapes importante présentement et je suis heureuse que tu t'écoutes. Heureuse que tu ailles un si bon homme a tes côtés, toi et D vous faites une vraiment belle paire. Je te souhaite que tes rêves se réalise et avec le temps tout se solidifie (émotions, destinée, force). Je t'aime gros GROS G R O S! Thank you Patrick for brying me such a wonderful friend into my life... you are a very precious angel.

Hugs sxx

Stay funny said...

Latie aka Katie... was not able to see any more, lots of emotions after reading your post.

Kataroo said...

I am so glad you posted this today. I love that you named the baby Patrick. I am happy and that you have such an amazing husband that you are so in love with and that the to of you have been able to help each other heal, and I look forward to the baby that your love will bring forth soon :)

Anonymous said...

Thankyou for sharing your special gift of Patrick with us!! If is still very fresh in your memory and he will always be with you!!You do have a special man at your side. I can see all the love between the two of you just in reading all your posts!! I am enjoy reading your blog on a regular basis!! So happy we met at NavCan and hope we can get together again in the near future!


Rachel said...

I love that you gave your precious pea a precious name laurie! Patrick is absolutely beautiful.. and this post make me tear up.

I adore you to bits.. and you will never EVER walk a path without us girls by your side!


barb said...

Oh no, what a sad story. I am so sorry for your loss, Laurie. You have such a beautiful spirit... I'm praying that good things will happen for you and your husband very soon. (((hugs)))

creative said...

Like you, I have a tiny angel watching over me.

Patrick will be remembered always!

Anonymous said...

So sorry for your loss. My angel was lost 6yrs ago today. Thoughts are with you and your dh as you remember your angel.