Remembering Patrick

Forget it. I'm not saying "this is my last post" anymore. I am totally chatty tonight.

I just stumbled upon something that sort of kicked me in the stomach and I felt like I couldn't NOT post (if that makes any sense).

It's something very personal that I haven't really spoken much about on here but today seems like the right day and possibily one more step in the healing process.

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In May of this year I lost our little pea, Patrick.

In April we travelled to Spain for Mabel and Paul's wedding and we consider that trip our second honeymoon. Something magical happened and we ended up pregnant. All of our dreams came true when that second line appeared on the test.

The very first place we went and the very first people we told were Denis' late father, Patrick, and his baby sister, Francine. Somehow in the back of my mind I thought it we put in a good word with the angels our baby would be safe.

In the few short weeks I knew I was pregnant I floated through life. I was sick and I was exhausted but I couldn't have been any happier. I was able to tell my family in person, something I honestly didn't think would ever happen.

By far one of my best pregnancy memories was spending an entire afternoon in Motherhood with my wonderful friend Jodi. I think I tried on half the store with that crazy little pillow that you stuff under your shirt. And Jodi tried it on and we laughed like little girls. I remember thinking how perfect it was to be sharing it with her.

Denis and I would write eachother notes and text messages from the baby. We planned what seemed to be our entire future.

And as soon as it came, it was all taken away.

Our hopes and dreams were crushed. We lost our little pea. Unfortunately Denis is no stranger to loss and he was my rock through it all. That had to have been the worst experience of my life and to be honest I never imagined being able to smile or laugh again.

But here we are just a few months later and so much good has come from the pain.

I left a job I was unhappy with and found somewhere I am appreciated. I got my creative mojo going again and have done more pages in the past few months than I think I've done in the past few years. I even got a pretty pink studio where I can escape and create to my heart's content. The experience brought Denis and I closer. Only the two of us could truly understand our pain and we lived through it together.

I think what I am most grateful for is the friendships I've made. The timing was perfect for Steph and I to build a friendship and I was able to laugh and escape my grief with her. She then introduced me to some of her friends and more new friendships were born. The second I met Katie and Rach I felt like I had know them forever and we are so similar at times it's scary.

We had so much support from our family and friends and for that we are forever grateful.\

We have always said that we'd name our first son after D's dad and although he is our angel baby, Patrick seemed like the only name for our little pea.

I love that Patrick was only around for a few weeks and although we never got to meet or even see him, he made such an amazing impact on our lives.

Tonight I'll dream of Patrick and say a special blessing for all of you parents out there who have lost your little peas...